“GREETINGS Earthlings… AND Humans… AND all, um… uh… all… extraterrestrial life… fellow travelers… uh we’ve got a really amazing …show today… with one of my favorite women IN THE WORLD… when I talk about… you know… Phaoronic rule… and the Owners… I think this chick might know as much as me IF NOT MORE… because she’s been around for a very long time and we’ve… confirmed she’s not an alien, or a… gay guy like Nick Fuentes… all these fake Republican gays… you know on the night that Trump was first e-lected… in 2016… my daughter, my daughter she was crying and screaming at me that ‘HE’S GOING TO DEPORT ALL THE GAY PEOPLE!’ And I was just laughing… of course now he has Scott Bessent… we love him… Monica, what do you think of Mr. Bessent?”
“Well, I—first of all, thank you, thank you all for having me on today, Roseanne. You know I’m a massive fan.”
“You as well. I like your Twitter.”
“That’s not me.”
“It’s NOT!”
“No, I let my husband run it.”
“…WHY?”
“Because I don’t feel like it.”
“HAW! I like that. We’re gonna be friends.”
“I hope so.”
“Do you think men understand what goes through a woman’s head when she has to ask someone for help?”
“I’m not sure I do.”
“Well you know it’s sort of like… I mean I’m not ex-pert… but… but, um…”
“I tell my husband what to post.”
“Oh! That’s different. Okay. So he’s not speaking for you?”
“No. But I do trust him to do that.”
“I don’t. HAW! Are you married right now, Monica?”
“…Who else would we be talking about?”
“Oh I don’t know I still ask my baby daddy to do stuff for me on the internet.”
“HAW!”
“See? She laughs like me.”
“Computers are hard.”
“Yeah I don’t like computers.”
“The woman at NASA who wrote all that code was an exception.”
“Yeah, except that she wasn’t real.”
“No?”
“No. Phaoronic rule. A woman did write the code. But she was a JEW. A Jewish woman wrote the code that sent the first Americans to the moon. But NASA doesn’t want you to know that.”
“Why?”
“Because Jews are the most persecuted people in history. I don’t think there’s even—”
“What about me?”
“…What about what?”
“I mean hens, roosters—are we not more persecuted than the Jews.”
“There are no birds amongst God’s Chosen People. He loves you. I mean he fuckin’ created you, he must love you. You operate under his domain. But you’re not part of the chosen class.”
“And the Pharaohs?”
“I think you’re going to have a hard time finding anyone sympathetic to the cause of the… bird. It’s like sticking up for a blade of grass. You know, like—you’re gonna get cut.”
“Are you comparing me to foliage?”
“Grass isn’t foliage. It’s lesser than foliage.”
“I’m lesser than foliage?”
“You’re not one of the CHO-SEN PEOPLE. It doesn’t mean you won’t see Heaven.”
“I’ve seen Heaven.”
“No shit. Really?”
“Yes. 1995.”
“What does it look like?”
“Very white.”
“So the cartoons are right?”
“More or less.”
“Wow. And what does God look like?”
“Well if you had a beard and a more defined face… kind of looked like you, Roseanne.”
“That’s because I’m a trans man! And people don’t know that about me.”
“…You’re not a man.”
“I am! Let me speak.”
“Then what was Tom Arnold?”
“Retarded.”
—Follow Monica Quibbits on Twitter: @MonicaQuibbits