Americans already buffeted by two endless wars, the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, and the Baltimore Orioles’ continuing quest for a 20th win awake today burdened by yet another setback: actress Amanda Bynes has retired.
The 24-year-old star of the celluloid classic She’s the Man, long touted as the next in a line of actresses stretching from Katharine Hepburn and Bette Davis to Meryl Streep and Miley Cyrus, announced her decision via Twitter on Saturday. “I don’t love acting anymore so I’ve stopped doing it,” she explained. “I know 24 is a young age to retire but you heard it here first I’ve #retired.”
Reaction was predictably swift. In announcing a 108-minute moment of silence—in recognition of the running time of Bynes’ magnum opus Sydney White—a visibly shaken President Obama promised that the country would emerge from the matter “a wiser, if more sober, nation,” and extended an olive branch to politicians of every stripe. In response, Sarah Palin announced she would promptly suspend everything she’s doing at the moment to provide “support and succor” to any who needed it, while late-night comedians banded together in refusing to make fun of the one-time governor’s employment of the word “succor.”
In the Middle East, PLO leader Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minster Benjamin Netanyahu agreed to an immediate cessation of all hostilities for the foreseeable future, “Because Lizzie McGuire would’ve wanted it that way.” When it was pointed out that Hilary Duff, not Bynes, portrayed Lizzie McGuire, all hostilities immediately recommenced.
It was in Hollywood, of course, where the repercussions of Bynes’ retirement were most severely felt. “I really liked her in Hairspray,” mourned either Demi Lovato or Selena Gomez, or maybe it was Miranda Cosgrove. “Which one was she, again?”
But would there be further Twitter ruminations from Bynes about her decision? There would:
“Being an actress isn’t as fun as it may seem,” she advised. “I’ve never written the movies & tv shows I’ve been a part of, I’ve only acted like the characters the producers or directors wanted me to play.”
Strong stuff, and a real eye-opener for those who’d presumed that WB Network series What I Like About You had been a triumph of Bynes auteurism. Untold thousands of acting students, facing the truth about their chosen craft, that producers, directors and writers, and not the actors themselves, are responsible for assigning roles and dialogue, are now reassessing their choice of career. Employment agencies are girding for a sudden tsunami of applicants in the fields of astronomy, sanitation engineering, and hat-blocking, vocations that allow one to be one’s own boss.
A restless world now pays attention to possibly the most pressing issue: What will Bynes do, post-acting? Once again, let us turn to the former thespian’s Twitter feed for the answer: “I like black men I’m very attracted to them just fyi.”
“Just” fyi,” Amanda? It’s a touching conceit, that any iota of Bynesian information, no matter how small, could be dismissed with a “just fyi.” Godspeed on whatever destination your travels ultimately lead you to.
