The title of a late-1960s Japanese monster movie, Destroy All Monsters, is a classic clunker with a crazy plot. A collection of the famous Japanese monsters from other cheesy low-budget movies join forces to destroy the earth. The cartoon-like monsters go to a place called Monster Land, or like in the USA, where invading hordes of illegal immigrants scurry across the border like filthy vermin who rape and pillage the whites. The giant critters are released en masse from a monster prison. They were exiled by some pissed-off aliens from another dimension who wanted to annihilate our planet. The most infamous of all Japanese monsters, Godzilla, has the pleasure of stomping and smashing a miniature prop version of New York City. Mothra, the giant moth monster was the winged bug eerily serenaded by two little kids singing on a lotus blossom, a big leaf or a cloud floating around in the original Mothra. This time around, Mothra wipes out China. Rodan roughs up Russia, Gorosaurus messes up Paris, and there’re a few other lesser-known named monsters in the mix. There’s another monster who’s not in the flick that destroys America and the rest of the civilized world when he can’t get his way. He belches and farts his way to the top of the American Dream nightmare.
It was a schlock movie and a half-ass campaign to begin with. As bad as the January 6th insurrection, rape, document harvesting, and racist rants, the coming attractions trailers we’ve seen before. Godzilla still gets top billing as a box office success. Admittedly, there aren’t as many diehard fans in the monster mega-MAGA movement. The crowds of adoring fans are much smaller but just as frightening. I don’t know how many Godzilla fans there are or how many remakes have piled up through the years, but Godzilla’s a shady billionaire. Too many of those types of monsters are running around today, hoarding whatever they can grab with their tiny T Rex hands. Destroy All Monsters is also the name of some 1970s anti-rock band that wasn’t as popular as the movie, or the political candidates, but just as cornball.
Japanese monster movies were never scary, they were always laugh-out-loud funny but really no fun to watch. Like the rest of those creepy crooks, overdubbing the English from the Japanese is especially bad. Making promises they will not keep. They could never synchronize the mouth movements in real time with the words. Sometimes the speech gets slurred, and they make up nonsense words. Plus, the props and monster costumes are gaudy, cheap, and hilarious too. Long red ties and red hats create a fascinating fascist fashion mystique.
Today's real monsters are touted and lambasted by the media, fawned over by religious zealots, and praised by the rich and famous. But this is just an example of what not to do when making a good monster movie or a winning political party. There are enough trite tropes and hackneyed clichés to keep any naïve audience or savvy voter in suspense for overly-long rallies or boring monster flicks now, along with 50/50 presidential elections. Successful horror franchises morph into a billion-dollar super PAC industry that rivals the Marvel superhero universe and the classic two-party system of government. The comparisons are with public service monsters, who pledge to protect and serve themselves for God and country. There’s no shortage in the rotation of epic cinematic news cycle stinker reviews. Mediocre monsters are running rampant to keep out of prison. From bad to worse, we get cursed and royally screwed.
Zombies are in a genre all their own, like vampires, serial killers, senators, cannibals, or congresspeople. They eat brains and suck blood. There are no limits to invoking primal fear, scaring the daylights out of kids and gullible grown-up folks with half a brain, from election primary fears to mail-in ballot woes. The zombies would starve with all those brainless idiots. Nothing’s taboo in monster movies or politics except the dark internet snuff films, which people pay big bucks to watch. It’s a dirty, shameless, and sickening joke campaign contribution. Then there are perverts who like to watch unsuccessful assassinations of political figures or stage suicides to get their foes. Specifically, there are some real victims who get tortured and dismembered in a twisted reality. Just like real-life experiences, millions are victims of greedy, selfish, senile, twisted, and insane old white men.
Standing in front of a church, holding aloft a flesh-bound book filled with satanic curses and spells. Right in front of waving red, white, and blue flags to call demons from some shady netherworld in an old, tried-and-true go-to formula known as democracy. Name-calling and fearmongering are the easiest ways to freak people out. Like pleading the Fifth Amendment 450 times, he was found guilty and indicted on 34 criminal counts, still claiming innocence. Meanwhile, a bunch of horny teens get sliced and diced, running around screaming in the woods or in some dark abandoned house in the middle of nowhere. We’re quoting the Constitution and swearing on autographed holy bibles to tell the whole lie and nothing but the lies.
There are natural-born freaks like Quasimodo, the hunchback of Notre Dame, and then there are those created monsters stitched together with used body parts from fresh cadavers. Lately, though, the mad scientist has skimped and cut corners. This latest creation has a tough time keeping their mouth shut and minding their own business. Igor, the guy who serves Doc Frankenstein, accidentally dropped the brain. You remember that movie, don’t you? The villagers are gathering now with torches and pitchforks.